I’m on the other side of my 5th-year anniversary after saying good-bye and good riddance to clonazepam. Wednesday, April 17, 2019, marked the fifth year that I’ve lived without the cloud of doctor-created illness hanging over me and living inside me. That monster, that benzo beast that snuck into my life and stole too much, is gone. For the most part. 




While the first signs of healing were bright and clear — for example, the ability to see and appreciate the blueness of the sky and the sublime sound of well-played jazz — as I roll into the sixth year, the signs of healing are more subtle and perplexing. At their best, they feel like a nod from the universe that I belong in the world again, that I am okay. And I am so grateful. Nevertheless, I am not like the former me that I hoped would return. To my regret, I have  a new kind of anxiety experience and a sort of PTSD that is very much a post-benzo-post-concussion condition. I still have trouble forming words, making sentences, and carrying on a conversation more often than I’d like…but not all of the time. And that is a huge improvement. Now, even if post-benzo and concussion symptoms have merged or overlapped, I can state without hesitation that I do feel 90% healed. Sure, I’d like to be at 100%, but I’m not certain that is possible, and I now believe that it does not need to be possible. 


The Gobbo Films crew and I began production on As Prescribed reasonably early in my post-taper life. I was still struggling with akathisia, and on the ride to Boston to film benzo survivor Geraldine Burns, I described this weird horrible inner agitation to our production assistant, Sabato. He did not judge me, that kind and wise young man. What a world of difference his acceptance of my vulnerable state made. I will aways feel deeply thankful to Sabato for getting me through that first shoot. I was still so terribly fragile. The shoot went well, and, at this point, I feel confident that some of that footage is ending up in the final film. You never know with film editing — what you end up keeping, what you decide to cut. It’s always changing. Alas, all that brilliant footage that ends up on the cutting room floor — such is the nature of filmmaking. 


So, 4 1/2 years have passed since that first location shoot in Boston; we completed production in 2018. Though we might choose to do some simple pick-up shots as we put together the fine cut, for all intents and purposes, we are now absorbed in editing and our post-production flow. Our rough-cut edit is going smoothly. The narrative and thematic pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. We recently met with animator Adam Teninbaum, whom BIC Director Stephen LaCorte introduced me to. Adam and artist Anna Puchalski will collaborate on our animations.

​Please excuse my disappearance from this blog. I had a few surprises over the past few months that stole my time. Some good, some bad. After trying to sell my house for four years, this year I had just about given up believing that a real buyer would ever come along. But a new realtor came in with a bang and sold the house within a few short weeks of listing it. It all happened quickly and once the deal was solid, I realized that I needed to find a new home and move out of the current one within six weeks. This was a house we had lived in for fourteen years, a large house that had to be emptied. I spent the lesser part of a day looking for a new house -- one that I’d seen on realtor.com fit the bill nicely. It had to. I do love my new house, but it’s a lot smaller than our former home and I had much to do to prepare for the move. We had tag sales; we sold to used furniture stores; we gave to Goodwill. We were ready to go. Onward to our new home in our warm, wonderful, and even a little hip, new burg in South Berkshire.
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Be visible - easier said than done. That’s what we’re trying to do a little bit at a time, wherever we can. Our joint T-shirt campaign with World Benzodiazepine Awareness Day and Benzodiazepine Information Coalition will help us all move a little closer to our shared goal -- awareness of benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome as a serious and very real invisible illness.

Hi, Virginia here, your friendly As Prescribed team member and I’m getting the chance to tell you about our exciting T-shirt campaign. Our inVISIBLE T’s will help start an important conversation. But Virginia, how does wearing a T-shirt start a conversation? How is it any different from wearing a shirt for your favorite band or tv show? Well let me tell you, as someone who is currently wearing a shirt for their favorite tv show (Steven Universe), it has started many a conversation. When people say, “Hey Virginia, what’s on your shirt?” I get to tell them about this cartoon that introduces kids to really complex ideas about how the world works, how love, empathy and understanding are the true weapons for changing the world - then people watch it and come back and talk to me about it - conversation started. Kind of like a conversation you or I might want to have about benzodiazepines.

More important, benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome is real; it’s not a fictional character. This very real illness affects very real people. We are fighting to make our story and our cause seen and heard. Wearing an inVISIBLE T will help do just that. It will give visibility to our inVISIBILITY.

Help us with this mission! We’re selling these shirts as a prequel to our summer fundraising campaign. All funds raised will go to the post-production for As Prescribed.  Order now so that you’ll have your T and your conversation-starter in time for World Benzodiazepine Awareness Day -- July 11.

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T-shirts available here!

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I pushed through with some help from a massage therapist and a chiropractor in Salt Lake City. Thank you to Jocelyn and Paul Pedersen for the recommendation and the magic salve. And thank you to Scott Shelley, our illustrious DP,  for buying a heating pad for me when we arrived in Colorado. So I had some relief. Alas, it was temporary. Since returning back east the pain (the raw-nerve kind) has been plaguing me pretty much non-stop during my waking hours. 


I’ve been in NYC (Brooklyn, actually) editing, so I was able to visit My PCP in Manhattan. She diagnosed the pain as  sciatica because I have lost my left knee-jerk reflex. Nope, I know sciatica and sciatica is a tame tiger compared to this. She also suggested that I take Gabapentin for the pain. This is the same PCP who some years ago allowed me to taper off Klonopin at my own rate, even though she knew very little about benzo tolerance and withdrawal syndrome. She only knew that benzos had a bad reputation and did not prescribe them. She made a special case for my taper. I like her and am grateful to her. But Gabapentin? Why does she not realize Gabapentin can create its own version of hell? 
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I agreed to take an anti-inflammatory. I filled the prescription, took two, and they have done NOTHING other than upset my stomach. They did not touch the pain. A month later, after trying physical therapy, somatic therapy, jin shin do, heating pads, various herbs and healing creams, nothing is working. But you know what’s strange? At a certain point, I was able to sleep again. Why all this intolerable pain during my waking hours, but a reprieve that allows me to sleep? And why do I get relief when I walk some days, when the next day walking worsens it? 


After a painful walk in Central Park yesterday, I decided I to call it a day and head downtown to run an errand. Because some of the worst pain is when I sit, the long, bumpy taxi ride downtown was pretty horrific. But I made it and hobbled into G&G on Broome to pick up an alteration. It seemed as though that should be easy enough. Go in, retrieve my clothing, then head back uptown. But the clerk could not find my clothing, and I could not stand standing. You know that kind of pain when you are bent over, screaming inwardly, making creepy involuntary facial distortions. That's what I was doing while the G&G’s clerks  could not find  my clothing. I left not caring about a missing dress or pair of slacks. I lost sight of what they were holding of mine, and I did not care. I cared more about returning to my couch uptown.

Back in the apartment, it only got worse. I was collapsing from the weight of it, gasping and shaking, begging the universe to release me from this pain. In a state of enlightened-delirium, it dawned on me that this misery used to be part of my everyday existence for long weeks and months when I was in tolerance. This mystery pain that plagued me off and on for years, it's back again. 

Really, I think the ghost of my benzo past is rearing its ugly head, paying an unwelcome visit and attacking my central nervous system, focusing on my poor psoas muscle and whatever else that might entail. I had never even heard of the psoas muscle till I was tapering off of Klonopin and posed a question on BenzoBuddies. Oh, how I relied on BenzoBuddies. I’d enter my current worst symptom, find threads on the topic, weigh advice, and often enough find life-saving solutions. A buddy might recommend a supplement, an exercise, a link to a good meditation site, or helpful essays and articles. That is how I learned about Matt Samet and his book Death Grip. Read it, if you haven’t. When we first filmed Matt, he was dealing with a monster return of symptoms, and he connected it to stress and heavy intake of caffeine, basically snacking on coffee beans. I think of all the people around the world dealing with benzo damage right now. My pain is nothing compared to the unceasing pain that so many people with iatrogenic benzo damage feel non-stop. I thank God and the universe that I have healed. I pray for all to be released from their benzo suffering. This I pray every day.

My current pain experience is a reminder that I am still vulnerable. So I am reverting to methods I used during my slow taper, renewing a focus on rebuilding GABA receptors. I believe they took a hit. I have never been a true coffee drinker (only decaf), but I wanted to join the coffee culture. I had been admiring it from afar, and hoped that I could enjoy this aspect of life like a normal  human being. I had been drinking real coffee, at least a cup almost every, for the previous two months. Am I still so sensitive? Do we remain that sensitive? Some yes, some no, it seems. I think most people would scoff at the coffee connection, but my fellow benzo survivors know better. 

I power through. I have no choice. We have come so far. The end is in sight. This is the year that we will finish As Prescribed. This is the year that we will prepare the film for its release. We have an amazing team, and more are showing support and coming on board as we move toward our ultimate goal — to get the film finished and get it out into the world. 

Please join us. Join our team.  hellogobbo@gmail.com

The world seems to be in a terrible mess right now. Things only seem to have gotten worse  since that fateful day a year ago when you-know-who managed to win the electoral vote. Perhaps it is normal to think obsessively about this, perhaps not. It’s certainly not healthy, and I look for alternatives. I was fortunate this week. As Prescribed was selected for DOC NYC’s Only In New York program, an opportunity for films-in-progress to meet with documentary industry leaders. I found myself surrounded by people dedicated to making the world a better place. Because that is what the documentary world is — a culture of creators who believe that the documentary form is their best way to better society and life on the planet.


I just finished four days of meetings where I had the chance to connect with decision-makers who have the power to decide the fate of As Prescribed. As hard as we’ve been working on the film, I am sure that As Prescribed  was not an easy pick for the OINY committee. It can be difficult for decision-makers to embrace a film like As Prescribed because the tendency is to assume that not only will our film lecture to an audience (no, we aren’t going to do that), but will present stories in a false agenda-driven fashion, as opposed to allowing our story to grow organically and consider other points of view (which is what we are doing). It seems that they realized that we were on the preferable course; I am, of course, grateful. 


There were group meetings every morning. I was frantic to get downtown on time the first three days so took a cab, arriving on time each morning. This morning, Thursday, the last day, I thought I could let go of worry and take the subway. Bad call. After an unexpected (to me) delay, everyone on the train had to get off at 59th Street. An emergency of some sort. So I ran up to street level and grabbed a cab. I got the impression that this driver knew what was up with traffic. Twenty minutes later I realized that he didn’t. I did my best to remain calm, but demanded that we change course, head west, and book down 9th Ave., which was, in fact, much quicker, but not quick enough to make up for all the lost time. So I was late for the only morning meeting that started at 10 am sharp. This did not go over well with the industry luminary I was hoping to meet. I pitched; his eyes glazed; and then someone at the table made a joke about Xanax as a segue into their pitch — the “I-could-use-a -Xanax-right-now” joke, which made me cringe, and I said something and I probably shouldn’t have, I know. Then I assured her I was joking. But I wasn’t. She has a wonderful project, so all is forgiven. We’re all on a benzo learning curve, I remind myself.


So that meeting was not so great, but most were, even though I continue to quietly deal with post-benzo/post-concussion symptoms more often than I like. I had my share of cog fog and dizziness, but I managed. Maybe not perfectly, but I managed. I can still have trouble with lights, too. Not always, but it still happens and it’s disconcerting and undermining. I wish my younger, healthier, more confident self could be handling all this. But reality dictates otherwise. And even though they went well, and I was happy with my pitches, the meetings were challenging. Not everyone really wanted to hear about the film or cared about the topic. There were other glazed-over eyes, and I know there were those who dismissed me and the film. It can be difficult for people to wrap their heads around our film. After all, it’s about a drug that is known to cause dependency, but isn’t about addiction. Hmm. People certainly nodded, as though they understood or agreed, but we know that it takes more than a few quick sentences to make this invisible injury understood. And therein lies the basic need for the film. When an audience sees people living it, the benzo nightmare, in the finished film, much will be explained, illustrated, and I predict that audiences will engage viscerally and emotionally, and the will “get it.” And, I’m relieved to report that there were, indeed, decision-makers who “got it” based on our conversations this week. So we’re still on track.


I met with festival directors, outreach strategists, broadcast executives, sales agents, and distributors. I saw familiar faces, and even ran into the cool guy who did the trailer for my first feature film over fifteen years ago. And we recognized each other, which was also pretty cool. I also had a chance to say hello to our office neighbor in Brooklyn who has produced some of the most amazing documentaries ever made. Seriously, she produced Life, Animated; Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry; and God Loves Uganda. Wow.


But back to the real world of diminishing rights, environmental disasters, and the benzo beast. On Instagram I caught word of another celebrity drug-related/Xanax-connected death — Lil Peep, whose story will be covered around the world, and will propagate the benzo abuse narrative. In his case, it certainly seems to be true. As sad as it is to lose anyone to drugs, I worry that the real benzo story will remain obscured. I have to keep working to tell the truer story about the 90%, the benzo victims who did not seek a drug high, who took a benzodiazepine as prescribed; the story of those who are tortured while in benzo tolerance, or while tapering off, or in lingering post-benzo hell. 


There was another benzo death this week, a suicide. David Bromberg, I’m thinking of David right now. And I’m thinking  of Joseph Leff (October), Jonathan Wagner (May), and Allison’s sister, who made emergency room visits to no avail. The connection between her seizures and lorazepam was not made. She did not make it. 


Certainly my heart goes out to Lil Peep and his fans. But my heart, my soul, my purpose, and my life go out to David, Joseph, Jonathan, Allison’s sister, and to all who are the ultimate victims of benzo hell. RIP.



Courage,
Holly

hollyhardman88@gmail.com

When I read the news of Chris Cornell’s death, I wanted so badly to believe that there was some justice to it. I wanted to believe that he had made a choice with eyes open. Then I read that he was taking Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety or depression. I felt sick. I think that anybody who has an accurate understanding of the nature of benzodiazepines knew right away that the depression-led-to-suicide story was likely bollocks. Hats off to his wife Vicky for speaking up immediately to challenge the merit of the suicide claim, and, thankfully, placed the question of the connection to Ativan in the public sphere. It appears that she was beginning to wonder about the effect Ativan was having on her husband. Oh, how badly those of us who are trying to spread awareness about benzodiazepine dangers wish that our efforts had reached Cornell and his family sooner. How we wish every day that we could reach anybody and everybody who is suffering from harmful benzo effects, how we wish to reach anybody and everybody who is unaware that their mysterious symptoms, their strange anxiety, their unexplainable depression, is actually caused by their doctor-prescribed benzodiazepine; caused by the drug that’s supposed to be making them feel better, not the drug that is secretly destroying their lives. 

Benzo hell is difficult to understand unless you’ve been through it. We have been fed a narrative about drug addiction as a lifelong disease that asks us to accept the notion that all drugs that create a physiological dependency also create the disease of drug abuse and addiction. The unlucky benzo-harmed can testify that the benzodiazepine narrative is not about addiction per se; except for a limited sub-set, it is not about wanting to get high or making a chemical escape from the world.  Damn, so many of us feel nothing and prefer it that way. We took a medication that our doctors said would help us; we took something that we were told would benefit our health and well-being, something that was supposed to be safe. The true benzodiazepine narrative is about outrageously high numbers of drug harm stories — about profound CNS damage, brain change, and physiological dysfunction. It is not a story about addiction. 
 
Yes, yes, I realize that Chris Cornell had a history of drug abuse that fits the common addiction narrative. But I believe his family when they speak about how satisfied he was with his life at this time. He had success and purpose and love on deep levels. And he seemed to have an awareness and feel a sense of gratitude about making it through years of dark times. The demons that remained were old familiars that could be tamed. But, so typical with recovering addicts, some ill-informed doctor was happy enough to prescribe that harmless little anti-anxiety agent Ativan, something that could help with occasional panic attacks and the pressures of touring and playing to audiences of 50,000. When the show was over and the pressure was off, he should have been able to restore balance safely; he should have been able to head home and be with his family, his heart. 

Damn. 

He had suicidal thoughts, they wrote. Suicidal thoughts? That’s not strong enough. That’s not accurate. Suicidal ideation. That’s what it’s called. I think you have had to experience it to understand how ordinary and measly a suicidal thought is compared to suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation. Something that happens too often when the unlucky are dealing with benzo tolerance, benzo kindling, even during a safe benzodiazepine taper. Try to convince me that this is not exactly what Chris was dealing with. Sure, I’ve been there, but I was much more fortunate. I knew that that particular cruel trickery was part of the benzo experience. I could find that on BenzoBuddies. It’s a common topic of discussion there as well as in the benzo Facebook groups. I weep thinking that Chris had little knowledge about what he was thinking and feeling, about the horror he was experiencing. I have a cynic’s hunch that his doctor never talked to him about suicidal ideation and Ativan.

And so we lose another beautiful soul, another amazing talent, another who made our lives better, another who leaves behind a family who loves him and needs him. How common is this story? In the world of non-celebrity, it is a daily occurrence. The benzodiazepine epidemic is real. And the information that most doctors tell their patients about these drugs is wrong, skewed, and keeping the epidemic alive, causing heartbreak and loss and death every day. Yes, every bloody day.

I weep.



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