​

I pushed through with some help from a massage therapist and a chiropractor in Salt Lake City. Thank you to Jocelyn and Paul Pedersen for the recommendation and the magic salve. And thank you to Scott Shelley, our illustrious DP,  for buying a heating pad for me when we arrived in Colorado. So I had some relief. Alas, it was temporary. Since returning back east the pain (the raw-nerve kind) has been plaguing me pretty much non-stop during my waking hours. 


I’ve been in NYC (Brooklyn, actually) editing, so I was able to visit My PCP in Manhattan. She diagnosed the pain as  sciatica because I have lost my left knee-jerk reflex. Nope, I know sciatica and sciatica is a tame tiger compared to this. She also suggested that I take Gabapentin for the pain. This is the same PCP who some years ago allowed me to taper off Klonopin at my own rate, even though she knew very little about benzo tolerance and withdrawal syndrome. She only knew that benzos had a bad reputation and did not prescribe them. She made a special case for my taper. I like her and am grateful to her. But Gabapentin? Why does she not realize Gabapentin can create its own version of hell? 
​

I agreed to take an anti-inflammatory. I filled the prescription, took two, and they have done NOTHING other than upset my stomach. They did not touch the pain. A month later, after trying physical therapy, somatic therapy, jin shin do, heating pads, various herbs and healing creams, nothing is working. But you know what’s strange? At a certain point, I was able to sleep again. Why all this intolerable pain during my waking hours, but a reprieve that allows me to sleep? And why do I get relief when I walk some days, when the next day walking worsens it? 


After a painful walk in Central Park yesterday, I decided I to call it a day and head downtown to run an errand. Because some of the worst pain is when I sit, the long, bumpy taxi ride downtown was pretty horrific. But I made it and hobbled into G&G on Broome to pick up an alteration. It seemed as though that should be easy enough. Go in, retrieve my clothing, then head back uptown. But the clerk could not find my clothing, and I could not stand standing. You know that kind of pain when you are bent over, screaming inwardly, making creepy involuntary facial distortions. That's what I was doing while the G&G’s clerks  could not find  my clothing. I left not caring about a missing dress or pair of slacks. I lost sight of what they were holding of mine, and I did not care. I cared more about returning to my couch uptown.

Back in the apartment, it only got worse. I was collapsing from the weight of it, gasping and shaking, begging the universe to release me from this pain. In a state of enlightened-delirium, it dawned on me that this misery used to be part of my everyday existence for long weeks and months when I was in tolerance. This mystery pain that plagued me off and on for years, it's back again. 

Really, I think the ghost of my benzo past is rearing its ugly head, paying an unwelcome visit and attacking my central nervous system, focusing on my poor psoas muscle and whatever else that might entail. I had never even heard of the psoas muscle till I was tapering off of Klonopin and posed a question on BenzoBuddies. Oh, how I relied on BenzoBuddies. I’d enter my current worst symptom, find threads on the topic, weigh advice, and often enough find life-saving solutions. A buddy might recommend a supplement, an exercise, a link to a good meditation site, or helpful essays and articles. That is how I learned about Matt Samet and his book Death Grip. Read it, if you haven’t. When we first filmed Matt, he was dealing with a monster return of symptoms, and he connected it to stress and heavy intake of caffeine, basically snacking on coffee beans. I think of all the people around the world dealing with benzo damage right now. My pain is nothing compared to the unceasing pain that so many people with iatrogenic benzo damage feel non-stop. I thank God and the universe that I have healed. I pray for all to be released from their benzo suffering. This I pray every day.

My current pain experience is a reminder that I am still vulnerable. So I am reverting to methods I used during my slow taper, renewing a focus on rebuilding GABA receptors. I believe they took a hit. I have never been a true coffee drinker (only decaf), but I wanted to join the coffee culture. I had been admiring it from afar, and hoped that I could enjoy this aspect of life like a normal  human being. I had been drinking real coffee, at least a cup almost every, for the previous two months. Am I still so sensitive? Do we remain that sensitive? Some yes, some no, it seems. I think most people would scoff at the coffee connection, but my fellow benzo survivors know better. 

I power through. I have no choice. We have come so far. The end is in sight. This is the year that we will finish As Prescribed. This is the year that we will prepare the film for its release. We have an amazing team, and more are showing support and coming on board as we move toward our ultimate goal — to get the film finished and get it out into the world. 

Please join us. Join our team.  hellogobbo@gmail.com

The world seems to be in a terrible mess right now. Things only seem to have gotten worse  since that fateful day a year ago when you-know-who managed to win the electoral vote. Perhaps it is normal to think obsessively about this, perhaps not. It’s certainly not healthy, and I look for alternatives. I was fortunate this week. As Prescribed was selected for DOC NYC’s Only In New York program, an opportunity for films-in-progress to meet with documentary industry leaders. I found myself surrounded by people dedicated to making the world a better place. Because that is what the documentary world is — a culture of creators who believe that the documentary form is their best way to better society and life on the planet.


I just finished four days of meetings where I had the chance to connect with decision-makers who have the power to decide the fate of As Prescribed. As hard as we’ve been working on the film, I am sure that As Prescribed  was not an easy pick for the OINY committee. It can be difficult for decision-makers to embrace a film like As Prescribed because the tendency is to assume that not only will our film lecture to an audience (no, we aren’t going to do that), but will present stories in a false agenda-driven fashion, as opposed to allowing our story to grow organically and consider other points of view (which is what we are doing). It seems that they realized that we were on the preferable course; I am, of course, grateful. 


There were group meetings every morning. I was frantic to get downtown on time the first three days so took a cab, arriving on time each morning. This morning, Thursday, the last day, I thought I could let go of worry and take the subway. Bad call. After an unexpected (to me) delay, everyone on the train had to get off at 59th Street. An emergency of some sort. So I ran up to street level and grabbed a cab. I got the impression that this driver knew what was up with traffic. Twenty minutes later I realized that he didn’t. I did my best to remain calm, but demanded that we change course, head west, and book down 9th Ave., which was, in fact, much quicker, but not quick enough to make up for all the lost time. So I was late for the only morning meeting that started at 10 am sharp. This did not go over well with the industry luminary I was hoping to meet. I pitched; his eyes glazed; and then someone at the table made a joke about Xanax as a segue into their pitch — the “I-could-use-a -Xanax-right-now” joke, which made me cringe, and I said something and I probably shouldn’t have, I know. Then I assured her I was joking. But I wasn’t. She has a wonderful project, so all is forgiven. We’re all on a benzo learning curve, I remind myself.


So that meeting was not so great, but most were, even though I continue to quietly deal with post-benzo/post-concussion symptoms more often than I like. I had my share of cog fog and dizziness, but I managed. Maybe not perfectly, but I managed. I can still have trouble with lights, too. Not always, but it still happens and it’s disconcerting and undermining. I wish my younger, healthier, more confident self could be handling all this. But reality dictates otherwise. And even though they went well, and I was happy with my pitches, the meetings were challenging. Not everyone really wanted to hear about the film or cared about the topic. There were other glazed-over eyes, and I know there were those who dismissed me and the film. It can be difficult for people to wrap their heads around our film. After all, it’s about a drug that is known to cause dependency, but isn’t about addiction. Hmm. People certainly nodded, as though they understood or agreed, but we know that it takes more than a few quick sentences to make this invisible injury understood. And therein lies the basic need for the film. When an audience sees people living it, the benzo nightmare, in the finished film, much will be explained, illustrated, and I predict that audiences will engage viscerally and emotionally, and the will “get it.” And, I’m relieved to report that there were, indeed, decision-makers who “got it” based on our conversations this week. So we’re still on track.


I met with festival directors, outreach strategists, broadcast executives, sales agents, and distributors. I saw familiar faces, and even ran into the cool guy who did the trailer for my first feature film over fifteen years ago. And we recognized each other, which was also pretty cool. I also had a chance to say hello to our office neighbor in Brooklyn who has produced some of the most amazing documentaries ever made. Seriously, she produced Life, Animated; Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry; and God Loves Uganda. Wow.


But back to the real world of diminishing rights, environmental disasters, and the benzo beast. On Instagram I caught word of another celebrity drug-related/Xanax-connected death — Lil Peep, whose story will be covered around the world, and will propagate the benzo abuse narrative. In his case, it certainly seems to be true. As sad as it is to lose anyone to drugs, I worry that the real benzo story will remain obscured. I have to keep working to tell the truer story about the 90%, the benzo victims who did not seek a drug high, who took a benzodiazepine as prescribed; the story of those who are tortured while in benzo tolerance, or while tapering off, or in lingering post-benzo hell. 


There was another benzo death this week, a suicide. David Bromberg, I’m thinking of David right now. And I’m thinking  of Joseph Leff (October), Jonathan Wagner (May), and Allison’s sister, who made emergency room visits to no avail. The connection between her seizures and lorazepam was not made. She did not make it. 


Certainly my heart goes out to Lil Peep and his fans. But my heart, my soul, my purpose, and my life go out to David, Joseph, Jonathan, Allison’s sister, and to all who are the ultimate victims of benzo hell. RIP.



Courage,
Holly

hollyhardman88@gmail.com

When I read the news of Chris Cornell’s death, I wanted so badly to believe that there was some justice to it. I wanted to believe that he had made a choice with eyes open. Then I read that he was taking Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety or depression. I felt sick. I think that anybody who has an accurate understanding of the nature of benzodiazepines knew right away that the depression-led-to-suicide story was likely bollocks. Hats off to his wife Vicky for speaking up immediately to challenge the merit of the suicide claim, and, thankfully, placed the question of the connection to Ativan in the public sphere. It appears that she was beginning to wonder about the effect Ativan was having on her husband. Oh, how badly those of us who are trying to spread awareness about benzodiazepine dangers wish that our efforts had reached Cornell and his family sooner. How we wish every day that we could reach anybody and everybody who is suffering from harmful benzo effects, how we wish to reach anybody and everybody who is unaware that their mysterious symptoms, their strange anxiety, their unexplainable depression, is actually caused by their doctor-prescribed benzodiazepine; caused by the drug that’s supposed to be making them feel better, not the drug that is secretly destroying their lives. 

Benzo hell is difficult to understand unless you’ve been through it. We have been fed a narrative about drug addiction as a lifelong disease that asks us to accept the notion that all drugs that create a physiological dependency also create the disease of drug abuse and addiction. The unlucky benzo-harmed can testify that the benzodiazepine narrative is not about addiction per se; except for a limited sub-set, it is not about wanting to get high or making a chemical escape from the world.  Damn, so many of us feel nothing and prefer it that way. We took a medication that our doctors said would help us; we took something that we were told would benefit our health and well-being, something that was supposed to be safe. The true benzodiazepine narrative is about outrageously high numbers of drug harm stories — about profound CNS damage, brain change, and physiological dysfunction. It is not a story about addiction. 
 
Yes, yes, I realize that Chris Cornell had a history of drug abuse that fits the common addiction narrative. But I believe his family when they speak about how satisfied he was with his life at this time. He had success and purpose and love on deep levels. And he seemed to have an awareness and feel a sense of gratitude about making it through years of dark times. The demons that remained were old familiars that could be tamed. But, so typical with recovering addicts, some ill-informed doctor was happy enough to prescribe that harmless little anti-anxiety agent Ativan, something that could help with occasional panic attacks and the pressures of touring and playing to audiences of 50,000. When the show was over and the pressure was off, he should have been able to restore balance safely; he should have been able to head home and be with his family, his heart. 

Damn. 

He had suicidal thoughts, they wrote. Suicidal thoughts? That’s not strong enough. That’s not accurate. Suicidal ideation. That’s what it’s called. I think you have had to experience it to understand how ordinary and measly a suicidal thought is compared to suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation. Something that happens too often when the unlucky are dealing with benzo tolerance, benzo kindling, even during a safe benzodiazepine taper. Try to convince me that this is not exactly what Chris was dealing with. Sure, I’ve been there, but I was much more fortunate. I knew that that particular cruel trickery was part of the benzo experience. I could find that on BenzoBuddies. It’s a common topic of discussion there as well as in the benzo Facebook groups. I weep thinking that Chris had little knowledge about what he was thinking and feeling, about the horror he was experiencing. I have a cynic’s hunch that his doctor never talked to him about suicidal ideation and Ativan.

And so we lose another beautiful soul, another amazing talent, another who made our lives better, another who leaves behind a family who loves him and needs him. How common is this story? In the world of non-celebrity, it is a daily occurrence. The benzodiazepine epidemic is real. And the information that most doctors tell their patients about these drugs is wrong, skewed, and keeping the epidemic alive, causing heartbreak and loss and death every day. Yes, every bloody day.

I weep.



Please share your comments with me at
hollyhardman88@gmail.com
Thank you.





 

I live in a fairly rural area and am dependent on my car to get around for my basic needs such as food and, well, just about everything. Driving is not something I take for granted these days. I had lost the ability to drive a car with comfort and confidence for many years. I only drove when it was absolutely essential, and when I did, it was a scary proposition. These are memories I would prefer not to summon. But I, like so many of us, need to tell my benzo tale often enough, as distressing as it is.


As my CNS continues to heal and I regain my health and my life, I venture farther and farther in my car. Traffic lights and left-hand turns do not challenge my processing abilities as they did so mysteriously for nearly ten years. The real me used to drive the Los Angeles streets and highways with ease. My refuge was my car; the radio set  and cranked to KXLU or KROQ, driving the 10 or the 101 or the 405 and loving life. The real me used to make back and forth trips from Manhattan to Woodstock at least once a week, reveling in my black roadster’s ability to turn easily and accelerate quickly. Funny how I started having trouble (feeling panicky) when I bore left onto the Tappan Zee Bridge as I headed south on the NY State Thruway. A piece of cake started to become a dreaded, overwhelming task. There was no reason for me to connect my panic to my sporadic use of Klonopin. After all, I did not take it to steady myself for those drives. And I had never heard of tolerance withdrawal. Certainly my doctor never suggested that my new driving problem could have anything to do with a medication she encouraged me to take for sleep or routine stresses. As a matter of fact, she suggested I take Xanax to help my growing driving anxiety. Note: I did not take her advice. I thought it was a bad idea. Drugs to drive? Not me.


But I continued taking Klonopin often enough to handle a stressful meeting or get a good night’s sleep; and without realizing it, I was, of course, in the thick of tolerance withdrawal. By the time I started to have rolling panic attacks while driving, I was doomed. Once you start having rolling panic attacks that you know are not based on real fears or any reasonable sort of anxiety, you’re kind of done for. The verdict is in. The CNS is letting you know that it is very messed up. You are in crisis.


More than likely you are the one to start wondering about the benzo connection because it is highly improbable that your doctor put 2+2 together. It is easy enough to find information with a simple google search. Just check “stopping Klonopin” on Wikipedia. I am eternally grateful to Wikipedia. Wikipedia knew much more than my doctor about the dangers of benzodiazepines and about the need to wean slowly. I do not go to that doctor anymore. I was lucky enough to find a new doctor who was willing to oversee a safe taper after I sent her my new find, the Ashton Manual. 


But oh, it was not easy. My most basic sense of self and reality was shaken, distorted, cruelly undermined. I became a teenage existentialist again. What is this craziness, this sad life? What is this consciousness when all feels so distant and unfamiliar and strange and frightening? And as I drove, performing the essentials that felt so foreign, desperately grasping the steering wheel, an unreal lifeline to all that I had lost, all that I could not do, light years away from that simple reality that I used to take for granted, that I might never retrieve. Trying to make sense of the road before me. Were humans designed for this? What is this crazy constellation of roadways, these monstrous patterns that I must somehow navigate when nothing seems real and nothing seems to work? This is unnatural. This is too much! No! No! No! I can’t take it!


But now that I am returning to myself again, with upregulated GABA receptors and most of my vestibular and ocular function restored, my wildest, most peculiar processing issues have disappeared. And I now glide down highways, feeling zen and right with my world and my place in the universe in this post-industrial-information-and-tech-age-climate-change-let’s-please-save-the-earth-era. And I may suggest that we add Pharma Epoch to the list? Think about it.


No more are we prey for saber tooth tigers. And long ago we stopped listening to alchemists who had us inhaling mercury vapors. And, safe to say, our humours now remain intact; the bloodletters no longer drain us of our life force. But, being of our times, this Pharma Epoch, we are the unlucky victims of our age’s current form of medical malfeasance at the hands of the marketing gods and the healthcare providers who serve them. Once we catch on, we find our tribe, our fellow benzo sufferers. We gather together, we support each other, and we survive. In this misguided pharma age, we represent an extreme. We have been forced against our will to a take a painful and tortuous life path. Though together we are learning our way back to ourselves. We are surviving. We are meant to be. And we are meant to tell the tale.


Oh, and the stories we will pass down to future generations — tales of cruelty and madness from the 20th and 21st century Pharma Epoch. May we be part of this regrettable era's evolution toward more humane and effective treatment and care for humankind. 

Thoughts?

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The Benzo Bill, aka the McMurtry Bill aka MA Bill H.4062, is moving forward in the Massachusetts State House!
 
PLEASE READ AND GET INVOLVED! See below:
 
On February 24th, 2016 Bill HD4554 - An Act relative to benzodiazepines and non-benzodiazepine hypnotics was filed by Representative Paul McMurtry in the Massachusetts State House. The bill received 47 co-sponsors during the seven day open period in which legislators can co-sponsor. This is an impressive and promising turnout. 
 
The bill was assigned bill number H.4062,  and has been referred to the Joint Committee on Mental Health and Substance Abuse. Because the bill was unseasonably filed, it does not have to be heard by the Joint Committee before this legislative session ends, but there is still a chance it could be heard before the July 2016 deadline. The committee will hear testimonies from experts in the field about why this bill is so important to public health and safety. At that point, the committee will decide whether the bill should pass, “go to study”, or be denied.  If the bill “goes to study”, meaning that it will require more research before a decision is made, then the bill will be effectively “dead in the water” until next year.
 
The likely and hoped for outcome is that the Joint Committee will pass the bill, at which point it will go before the House and the Senate for debate, until it ends up on the floor of the House and Senate for a final vote.
 
What can you do to help?
 
If you live or have resident status in Massachusetts:
 
Please e-mail your personal story of benzodiazepine harm to the Chairs and Members of the Committee on Mental Health and Substance Abuse, and send using this email address: garrett.burns@mahouse.gov. Note: Please address the Joint Committee directly. Example:
 
Dear Chairs and Members of the Committee on Mental Health and Substance Abuse,
 
Please refer to Bill Number H.4062 in the subject line or the body of your email. Make sure to include your full name and your town in Massachusetts.
 
Your personal story will be presented as evidence to the Joint Committee as they decide whether or not the bill moves forward. The sooner you can send your personal story, the better, since it is unclear when the committee will meet.
 
Important: Please send a copy of your email to your state senator and representatives.
 
If you live outside of Massachusetts, please follow the instructions above, and send your personal story of benzodiazepine harm to Chairs and Members of the Committee on Mental Health and Substance Abuse using the same email address: garrett.burns@mahouse.gov. Explain how this bill will affect your state/country.  For example, if this bill passes in Massachusetts, you are hoping a similar bill will pass in your own state/country. Make sure to include the following information:
 
Your Full Name
Town and State (if you live within the US)
Country (if you live outside of the US)
E-mail address
 
 
Letting the Joint Committee and your senators and representatives know how benzodiazepines have harmed you or a loved one, and the bill’s importance for public health and safety, is crucial to getting the votes needed for Bill H.4062 to pass. Thank you for getting involved!